To the one who got lost along the way.

You used to have time for yourself.

You used to have time for your friends.

You used to have time for your family.

But everything has changed now. No, wait. Not everything. You've changed. Entirely. Into someone everybody barely knew. Someone who's so lost in her own world, who has foolishly completely dedicated her life to one sole guy.

Maybe you have yet to realize, what you're losing. Or worse, what you have actually lost along that path you have taken. At this very moment you're still stuck, afloat in your own fantasy, and gravity has yet to get a grip on you and bring you down. Back down, on the ground to face the reality that you have long left behind.

Girl, (Note the use of girl, instead of woman. That's something.) I believe it has been ages since you've taken the time to evaluate on things, rationalize on your actions, and take into account what the people around you are trying to let you know. It may be wrong for me to be passing judgments, but I am certain that I am not the only one who thinks of you that way.

There's a hidden (to you) truth behind the actions of others, behind every word that comes out from their mouths. Truths that you find hard to believe, or you probably wouldn't want to believe. Perhaps at this point of time, you're still blinded. Still dazzled over that one particular guy, who's like a disease, that is ravaging you, slowly eating you from the inside.

Maybe, just maybe, you realize what it is that's going on around you, what it is that has happened and is happening to you. But perhaps, you're just in-denial. Because you are in a current state of bliss, caught-up in your own little world and you refuse to see the bigger picture.

I just had to flip back and open this chapter of life I once went through. Funny how we used to be so close not so long ago. So close that everybody knew who you were to me, and who I was to you. I cared about you. I loved you. I did. So much, perhaps a little too much. But what you did, led to what happened between us. I hope someone smacks you back to reality soon, before it's too late.

You've lost me, I just hope you wouldn't lose anyone else.

I miss my friends.

I really do. Gone were the days when we shared laughters, the days when we would be seen going out together, chattering non-stop, when we would have if not daily, our weekly meet ups at the cafeteria. So yeah, this post goes out to Abdul Adl Qayyum Al-Nafi Bin Othman, Arif Abdul Rahman, and Najla Bt Ahmad Kendong.

There were those moments when I would just sit down, and think, of how everything has changed, how we have changed. I don't know why, but I miss the three of you so much. Maybe I miss the companionship. I miss how we used to be so close. I miss how every single week we would meet up at the cafeteria, just for updates on how life has been treating us every week. About our studies, our roommates *nudges Lala*, about new gossips. (Although, Arif missed most of the meet-ups. =PP)

I remember how Qayyum was always like the elder brother. He was always there to listen, and rarely says no when I'd ask for him to come down to the cafeteria just to chat. And Lala. Lala's always up for McDelivery's and Domino's. I miss sleeping in her room, and playing with her DS, that brain game? I can't recall what its name is. Heehee. She has seen me breaking down, and was always there to lend an ear. Arif, well. Arif was a different case. He's like that younger brother who always goes missing, but was still as sweet when he realises he did something wrong (well only when we make him feel bad about it) and tried to make it up to us. Heehee.

It's funny how we've grown apart now. Well, maybe it's the distance, no? Arif got to continue his studies in UM, Lala's in Shah Alam. Qayyum is here in Miri, but we rarely meet up nowadays. It saddens me. But back then when all four of us were here, we'd go out and have breakfast, catch-up on our lives and just hang. Now there's... nothing. I miss that. I miss all of that. The fact that we used to be so close back then makes me feel like I'm doing a bad job at maintaining this relationship the four of us had. I don't know if the three of you feel the same. But yeah. I feel bad. If I was wrong for not keeping in touch as often as I should, forgive me. I miss the three of you. I really really do. Gosh this is making me all teary.

This was the only picture we took, with all four of us in it.

Hi there you three. If any of you were to read this, jom, breakfast sama lagik, when all four of us are here. Okay? *hugs*

A comeback post for someone who I shouldn't be giving a damn about but is too damned to not be given a damn about.

WOW! I think that was the longest post title to date! I blog when I want to, and I'm now blogging because I want to channel out all the annoyance and irritation inside of me. I believe whoever reads my blog knows of my hatred towards this particular person. Well if you've forgotten or if you're new here: Hate Post. =)

And so. News Flash. I was helping Sayang out decluttering his wall by marking her then posts. Getting rid of all those as he claimed "Dirty" posts off his wall was something we felt like doing. Just because. Marked the posts with "TETT!"s and "EEK!"s, to make it easy for him to remove from the notifications. (OKAY! maybe there were a couple of lame comments and what not but majority was of TETT's and EEK's okay?)

Sayang actually enjoyed it. Had a good laugh removing the posts when he read all the TETT's and EEK's. See. I make my boyfriend happy. Of course we were aware that the person on the other end would be receiving the notifications too. But heck, we don't give that much of a damn. Unfortunately, SHE does. And all the kambing gurun's then come out to play. HEH.

Why kambing gurun? Beats me. Ask freakazoid. She's been labelling us (me and boyfie) that since I don't know when. Lemme run through a check list. (A list of things she calls me)

Immature : Check.
Childish : Check.
Kambing Gurun: Check.
Bitch : Check.
Bloodyfucker : Check.
Mental : Check.
Meruyan : Check.

Now see who's childish and immature? At least I'm not one to be calling you names. Well, freakazoid was an exception. Ngee! I think there's more, but yeah I can't recall what else is it she's been calling me. I don't think I've ever been meddling in her life since... I don't know. Yet I've heard so many stories behind my back saying she's been mocking and insulting me, mocking the boyfriend. HEH. And today off all day she said "imejin jak..mun nya xpuas ati, jmpa bh f2f...pa nk anok blakng2....BE MATURED baa" (translation: just imagine. if she's not pleased, then let's meet up, face to face. what's with saying things from behind. BE MATURED.) Cheh. Aku anok pun sik kot. *pfft*

I SWEAR TO GOD I had the laugh of my life. Because it's as if she's slapping herself in the face (only if she realises). I bet what she didn't realise was that what she has been doing all these while was the exact thing she said. I mean, saying things in a deceit manner. Count please, how many posts are there on your wall with you insulting the boyfriend and me. HEH. At least I didn't do it like that. You were directly notified, weren't you?

And owh. What was it were you thinking about when you act all pious? (I admit, I'm not one pious being myself, and I very well know where I stand, on what I should or should not say. Whether I have the rights to say things out, judging by how I act. Get me?) Woman. You do all the bad behaviours one can possibly name. And people around you are well aware that you haven't quit doing things like that. What in your right mind makes you think you have it in you to advice people in a religious manner yet you don't practice what you preach. HEH! Hipocricy. One BIG form of HIPOCRICY.

Just so you know, the boyfriend and I are so far happy with our life. No such issue as to being "meruyan" over you. Come on, look at yourself. You're in the past. What we're not pleased of is just that you couldn't let it go and you keep insulting us, and have your friends somewhat stalking us, which makes you a creepy psychopath. Please lah. You started the war. And you're reluctant to end it. Ih. Can you please just mind your own life and stop talking about us already? Because it annoys us to the max. Kthxbai.

random.

so here it is, my first post for the year.

things sure have taken a turn over the past few months. well, to a good one that is. I'm pretty sure everyone in my social circle knows how love struck / love drunk i am, call it what you want, and how i know some of you are sick of me being all mushy and stuff. now don't you go denying that fact. i do that too you know, so yeah, we're all guilty-as-charged.

i've realised just how things have changed in the last few months. or perhaps half a year. things have slowly fall into place, considering how it all fell apart not so long ago. memories. they keep coming back to haunt you, now, don't they always? they feed your insecurities, your fear, sometimes make you go crazy and lose your mind for just a second.

that happened often. those memories came just to shake you off your stand, and shut you off from your sane mind. at that point of time, getting rid of them can hardly be done. you lose yourself for a moment. then you'd think, why is it that you're letting this happen to yourself? take a moment and think through the matter, and breathe in deep. perhaps by that time you'd realize just how dumb you are for letting all things unnecessary take over you.

you have to know, you are in control of yourself. you wouldn't have made whatever decision you have made if you didn't think it was right. it's your intuition you're following. it is your call, true enough? even if everyone around you is telling you, that what you're doing is a mistake, well then prove to them, that this would be a mistake that you will make right.

what you need is just a little faith in yourself. when you gain that trust back in you, it's easy to shake all those bad memories, feelings that surround you, to a place far away. surely there would be a relapse(that happens), and those people around you again, but then, if it happens, help yourself to some fresh air and think. don't doubt yourself, don't doubt your decision, just because of some matter that is clouding your mind, which could very well be disregarded.

trust your heart. and you might just want to shut the fears and insecurities off from your system. trust yourself on this. remember. your past is far behind, you've left it there. but if you don't move forward, it might catch up again with you.

This post is dedicated specially to Malisa Bt Ahmad. (Or whatever the fuck your name is.)

Yo, how you doin'? Rough patch huh? Life has been a bitch to you now, hasn't it? It has been cruel to you now, has it not been? Heard of the saying, what goes around, comes around? I guess karma slapped you right in your face! After you put Zaid and I through hell, now God's being fair to us. Serves you right, woman.

Don't you go thinking I'm one to go around clueless about things. In case you didn't know, I've learnt alot about you, and I understand how pathetic your life is, right this very moment. How you crave for attention from people so that they'd sympathize you. Hah! Perhaps maybe you envy me. Perhaps maybe you feel challenged by me. Eh, no. Wait. Let me get that straight. Not maybes. You DO envy me. You DO feel challenged by me. I know for a fact that you hate me so much right now. LONER. Or maybe you should replace the 'N' with an 'S' instead. That is, if you're smart enough to figure that out.

I know whatever the fuck that has been going on behind my back. I know you have been cussing me, and mocking me every chance you get. I guess you must have been adoring me so much to talk about me. Come on woman, don't you have a life? Did I meddle with yours? Have I been doing anything that caused the rage in you to escape? I don't know what version of tale you have been telling people about me. All I know is whatever the fuck you have been saying are probably coated with lies. Oh come on woman. Enough already. Shut the fuck up and get a life.

So yeah, Zaid and I got back together. He wants me. Chose me over you. Is it my fault that that happened? For fuck's sake, you knew from the very beginning he never wanted you. Don't you go denying the fact you're not always haunted by my existence when you so-called "got together" with him. Now, have you told your friends that side of the story? The one truth that went on at the beginning? Have you unveiled to them what REALLY happened? Did you spill out every single detail about what YOU have done from the very start? Believe me, if the truth ever comes out, you would be crying out blood my dear. You would be crying out blood.

You wouldn't want people to know that cruel side of you, now would you? So you would probably be covering up about everything. You'll be making up lies and what not, but believe me, the truth will come out, sooner or later. By that time, people would probably have their backs turned on you. I won't be the one telling all that to the people you know, because people are smart enough to judge what's good and what's bad. In this case, WHO. I would never want to stoop so low, down to your level, selling stories on facebook. I have much better things to do than waste my time on you.

Woman, GROW UP! Act like your age! God gave you brain, so you'd think right. You're old enough to know and realise that whatever on earth you are doing now is comparable to a child's behaviour. Calling me names of some sort. Aduh. That is so primary school-ish.

Perhaps maybe you could only register 50% of what I have mentioned here in your brain. Get a life. STOP messing with mine. Enough already saying fucks about me. Mind your own business, and get your own fucking life, for fuck's sake. Your life's miserable enough as it is now, don't take it out on me. I pity you, I do. Aaawwhh~.

P/S:

Oh, woman, just to let you know, and hell I know this would probably break your heart into pieces. Zaid and I, we NEVER lost touch, you can pretty much say very-much-attached, all through-out the time. And he did spend his Hari Raya in September with me. I even got invited to his house, personally by his mother, which I did go to. Aawwhh. Ain't that cool? Wait, did you get the invite too? Eh, I forgot. They dislike you. My bad. Sorry!

Hoi. What's your 6 months, compared to my 3 years? Fuck, woman, can't you see? This is one battle you'll never win.

P/P/S:

Yes, thanks to you, though, we are currently very much happy with what we have now, and how things are going. (We meaning the loved one, and I). want proof? Just to rub it in.

.

.

.

.

.

eh, i changed my mind about posting the picture. Wouldn't want to make you cry now would I? Okay. So please, for fuck's sake, get the fuck out of our lives! Oh, I would advice you, just so you wouldn't get disappointed, stop trying to text him. Fat chance he'll ever reply to your texts. You think we didn't know you've been cussing and swearing him behind his back? Smart-asses. That's what we are. We have one new thing we have in common now, an addition to the list. We loathe you woman. Get that pinned in your head.

options.

have you ever felt like you were just an option in someone's life? it sucks to be in that position. i know. some people take you easy, perhaps because unconciously, you allow them to. you would end up thinking, why is this being done to me, when the fact of the matter is, you were the reason behind it all. you were the one who had them thinking, when it comes to you, things are going to be fine. things are always fine. no wonder you get stepped on every time.

sometimes, you wish things never happened the way it did. but as they say, there's a reason to why God allowed for those to happen to you. so you would mature. so you would learn. to appreciate what you have. to love what surrounds you. to acknowledge others. He takes things away from you for a moment to teach you a lesson, that not all things in life are easy, not everything remains pretty. there's always the ugly sight to everything and He wants us to see it, experience it, so we would come out to be a better person.

but if you were given the option, to turn back time, to go back to that particular point, when things you never wanted to happen, would you stop it? or would you just let it be, the way it was meant to be? would you avoid the chance, or would you risk changing the way your life would lead, if what should happen, didn't happen?

there's alot to weigh in there, is it not? if you were to stop what should happen, what guarantee is there that things will turn out great? what guarantee is there, that everything will be fine? what if everything takes a 180-degree turn and your life flips and goes down under? risks. everything has its risk. the utmost question remains, are you willing to take that risk?

let's get back to the present now, shall we? to the time when things have already happen. the time when you've seen the outcome. experienced the journey, took in the knowledge, opened your eyes to actually see the larger picture in life when you were dwelling on that small little piece. would you trade all that to go back to that point in life, now? go back, to hopefully banish all the nightmares, all those hurt and all the pain. would you?

or would you rather take the risk to experience new things, to discover what you never knew, take up the challenge that life has to offer you now? you're a different person now, someone new. reborn. if you go back, wouldnt you be all the same? think about it.

One emo post... coming right up!

Insecure.
A word that defines me, in some cases, some part of my life.

Why?
Why do i feel insecure? Why do i let my insecurities get to me? I dont know. Wait, i do know. So yes, previously, i've been hurt, yes i've been wounded, not physically, but both mentally and emotionally. So i presume, it's not really a mystery to why i'm feeling all that. I know it's normal to be feeling like that once in a while, but having it come to you too often is something hard to handle. I go on a war with my insecurities, trying to battle it, topple it, kill it, but they're like zombies, they never die. I hate the fact that i'm feeling all insecure, because i end up hurting, not just me, not just my feelings, but the feelings of others, who i really, truly care for. Doesn't do me any good, doesn't do them any good either.

Am i having trust-issues? What i know is that i'm trying to build a wall around me, to protect my emotions, just so i wont't fall and hit myself hard on the ground again. But is it really working? I know i've put the layers down, trying to build a strong foundation for my wall, but i havent assembled the bricks up. A portion, maybe, but not all up yet. Why? Because i'm uncertain to whether i should have it up at all. Is it okay to have this wall surrounding me? What if it's not strong enough? What if someone breaks it? Whats the use of having it, if eventually, the bricks will fall apart? (should i build a wall out of stainless steel instead? heehee!)

Should i just let my emotions roam free, in that matter? Should i let it be, the way it should just naturally be, or should i shield it? Or perhaps maybe my emotions have their own shields, a strong one to protect them, perhaps the one like Bella's? (haha who am i kidding?) I'm a fragile being, but i know i've grown strong, to be able to actually replace the fragility in me to something tough, and hard. Am i doing just that right now? I don't know, and i'm not sure.